Horoscopes for 2011

Aquarius (The Water Bearer) - Jack Nicklaus, Linda Blair, Oral Roberts, Paul Newman, Wayne Gretzky, Tom Selleck, Oprah Winfrey, Farrah Fawcett, Dan Quayle, Eva Braun, Alice Cooper, Garth Brooks, Burt Reynolds, Charles Darwin, John Travolta
Honour your partner with lavish gifts and sexual favours. The eventual (far, far from timely) rewards will be worth the extra effort. Vegetables could be problematic this year. Best to stick with meat and breads.

Pisces (The Fish) - Spike Lee, Bruce Willis, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Albert Einstein, Rupert Murdoch, Ralph Nader, Elizabeth Taylor, Chelsea Clinton
After a few months of desperate effort, you will finally hit the jackpot with your funniest Internet comment ever. However, basking in the glow of the awe and laughter will be short-lived as a commenter with superior intellect will quickly put you in your place. Other than that, it's a fairly quiet year ahead. Stay away from fire.

Aries (The Ram) Matthew Broderick, Aretha Franklin, Leonard Nimoy, Diana Ross, Elton John, Eugene McCarthy, Hammer, Christopher Walken, Rheah Pearlman, Wayne Newton, Harry Houdini, Betty Ford, Pete Rose, Adolf Hitler
Additional iron in your diet will help with correcting your unlikeable personality. Regardless, a rumour at work will prevent you from participating in most social activities. Trust no one and pull the trigger on buying those new pants you've been thinking about (finally!).

Taurus (The Bull) Queen Elizabeth II, Robert Oppenheimer, Jack Nicholson, Barbara Streisand, Rudolph Hess, Orson Wells, Karl Marx
Your grandson will finally get married. However, the wedding will be spoiled by an embarassing faux pas...an unfortunate result of your boorish behaviour. On a positive note, the recreational vehicle you have been trying to get rid of will finally sell for a decent price. Use the money to smooth over ruffled feathers. Low cut tops and short skirts will serve you well this year.


Gemini (The Twins) Bob Dylan, Bob Hope, JFK, Clint Eastwood, Brigham Young, Liam Neeson, Gene Wilder, Johnny Depp, Donald Trump, Steffi Graff, Barry Manilow
Two words - cosmetic surgery. New boobs, pecs, lips, nose, etc. Nothing is too crazy or expensive. However, setting trends is never easy. All that backlash is due to jealousy. By November you'll have the last laugh. Avoid the sun and running shoes.

Cancer (The Crab) Meryl Streep, H. Ross Perot, Geraldo Rivera, Huey Lewis, Sylvester Stallone, OJ Simpson, Don Knots, Cat Stevens
This is the year for a comeback. Clear up past misunderstandings and try again with all your heart. People can be very forgiving. Worry more about how you look than about what people think. It will all come down to your new image.

Leo (The Lion) Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenneger, Andy Warhol, Neil Armstrong, Whitney Houston, Fidel Castro, Napoleon, Roman Polanski, Tipper Gore, Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Clinton
Expanding your mind requires new experiences. Water-skiing, polo and racquetball all seem like really good ideas. Ride the bus more. You're not as good of a driver as you think you are.

Virgo (The Virgin) - Sean Connery, Mother Teresa, Michael Jackson, Bob Newhart, Peter Sellers, Refrigerator Perry
Good fortune may come in the unlikely form of an angry dog. Avoid latex-based paint, take out food and cooking lessons. Experimentation with drugs could lead to fun times and new job opportunities. Be careful though. One of your close relatives is not who they claim to be.

Libra (The Scales) Olivia Newton John, Truman Capote, Randy Quaid, Gandhi, Sting, Charlton Heston, Oliver North, David Lee Roth, Evel Knievel
Holy shit! People are trying to murder you! There's probably some sort of microchip in your clothing and/or food. Stop eating and wearing things. Things will calm down in late April, but for now, you're pretty much screwed.

Scorpio (The Scorpion) Picasso, Hillary Clinton, Bill Gates, Larry Flint, Simon & Garfunkel, Leon Trotsky, Kurt Vonnegut, Neil Young, Erwin Rommel, Rodney Dangerfield, Billie Jean King
It's all comin' up Scorpio! Don't dismiss the power of the frequent customer card (Sub club, Ice Cream Shop, Etc) as a world of riches hides just below the surface. Free sandwiches can easily become so much more.

Sagittarius (The Archer) Tina Turner, Bruce Lee, Winston Churchill, David Carradine, Sinead O'Connor, Steven Spielberg
Penny stocks hold the answer to your financial independence. Regular "risks" don't apply to you. It's all pretty much free money. Don't let others participate in your good fortune. Nobody is on your side.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat) Conrad Hilton, Mao, Denzel Washington, Jon Voight, Val Kilmer, Joseph Stalin, Mel Gibson, Elvis Presley, Rod Stewart, Howard Stern, Martin Luther King, Andy Kauffman
While rants, prejudicial behaviour and iron fisted rule may have caused you problems in the past, don't give up on your convictions. The world might finally be ready to hear what you have to say. In blog form.